A funeral, by its very nature, is a very emotional and fraught time for friends and family of the departed.
For many people it can be difficult to know how to act around someone going to a funeral and the right words to say. Some people may even choose to avoid a bereaved friend or colleague altogether, simply because they don’t know what to say to them.
There is no definitive list of the right things to say during funerals. A lot will depend on the character of the departed and the loved ones they have left behind, as well as your own relationship to them.
There are, however, some general guidelines that can help you to express your support and sympathy without causing further upset to people who are already grieving.
What to say to someone who is going to a Funeral
Some people may want to avoid mentioning an upcoming funeral altogether, either through awkwardness or for fear of upsetting the other person.
It’s worth remembering, though, that even if they are not showing it at any given moment a bereaved person is likely to still be very raw and hurting inside. Expressing your sympathy is polite and can be comforting. If it does trigger tears, that is perfectly natural at a time like this.
When expressing sympathy, you may choose to use the name of the person who has died or their relationship to the person who has died.
‘I was so sorry to hear about John’ or ‘I was so sorry to hear about your mother’ could both be acceptable.
They are also short and simple. This may be all you have to say, unless the bereaved person continues the conversation.
Admitting that ‘I don’t know what to say’ may make you feel as if you are not saying anything at all but it can be an honest and appreciated response. Sometimes the actual words you say are not as important as the expression of your sympathy and support.
Depending on your relationship with the person who has the funeral plans your initial contact may be from bumping into them at work or elsewhere. If you are friends, you may find it appropriate to send a suitable card with a simple message. A phone call or a visit may also be welcome.
In this digital age, social media offers another channel for people to express grief and sympathy, but the appropriateness will often depend on the individual and may be generational. If a bereaved person posts about their loved one, for example, it is generally appropriate to make a respectful comment underneath.
Speaking to people during the Funeral
Funeral directors are experienced professionals who are used to striking the right tone at a funeral but for the rest of us, it can be difficult to know what to say.
If you are attending the service you will no doubt have had some sort of relationship with either the departed or one or more of their loved ones. Even if you were close to the person though, you will probably end up speaking to people you don’t know very well.
When speaking to the family of the deceased or others who were very close to them, you might want to keep things simple. Just saying, ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is perfectly acceptable but if you knew the departed person you might want to say something more personal.
Some generic examples could include, ‘She was a lovely woman and will be missed by everyone’ or ‘I was so sorry to hear of [your dad’s name] passing – he was always so nice to me.’
Sharing stories or anecdotes such as when you first met the deceased may also be suitable but could also depend on the situation. A long story might not be appropriate at the funeral where a grieving widow or widower is greeting a lot of people in a limited time, but may be more suited to a wake if there is one.
Offering support after the Funeral
Although the funeral can offer a certain sense of closure, the grieving process certainly doesn’t end there. Support afterwards can be very much appreciated, whether it’s asking, ‘How are you today?’ or sitting down for a cup of tea and a proper chat.
Offering practical help can also be invaluable. Offering help with specific tasks may be better than saying, ‘We’re here if you need us’ as the other person might still feel they are imposing.
Offering an ear and a shoulder to cry on is also good, but only if you mean it and are willing and able to offer that time if needed.
Things to avoid saying at a Funeral
Whether you are approaching someone about a funeral or attending the service, you should avoid platitudes such as ‘They’re in a better place now’ or ‘At least he/she had a good innings’.
This may be seen as trivialising or downplaying the loss. Even if someone died peacefully at a ripe old age, the grief is very real for those left behind. This could be especially true for the spouse or partner in a couple who were together for a long time.
Saying ‘I know how you feel’ can also be problematic. You may have lost someone yourself but everyone’s experience of grief is different. It can also serve to shift the focus from the person grieving now to your own experience.
Other aspects of funeral etiquette to bear in mind
During lockdown there were questions of how many can attend a funeral to bear in mind but, at the time of writing, numerical limits have now been removed.
You may still have questions such as what to wear to a funeral. In general plain, sombre clothes are recommended unless explicitly told otherwise. Some people want their send-off to be a celebration but it is usually best to be understated, smart and to act quietly and with dignity.
For funeral directors in Greasby, Moreton, or anywhere in the Wirral, get in touch with our friendly team
We can provide funerals across the whole of the Wirral peninsula, ensuring that your loved one gets the funeral that they deserve. We can ensure that the funeral is within whatever borough you desire, making sure that everything from the funeral itself to the wake afterwards are kept close within the town or village boundaries you desire.
Posted on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021 at 12:04 pm in Latest News.